A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. Really? Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. BGM never agrees with the woman. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. Pretty much. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Share that with your boyfriend as well. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. . This is how children are taught. Please see my post below.. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. Yeah.. Which is totally fine for you. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. GatorGirl and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. Youre right. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. At best, a season and a half. lets_be_honest And I think this is the case here. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with wendyblueeyes January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a GatorGirl If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. The rest of the time he spent with me. Thats a long ass time at home, no? Or stay the whole time? For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. A picnic in the park? Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Youve lived together for three weeks. It is what they like to do. In my experience, though, it seldom works. husband goes to his parents every weekend. Then you need a different boyfriend. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. lets_be_honest New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. I know many families like this. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Tell him youre staying home this weekend. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? Pay careful attention to his reaction. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Who does that? June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. What should I do? Who keeps the dog? I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. SpaceySteph January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. Some things you may never known until you move in together. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Then offer a compromise. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. Maybe something is up with his family? Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. Or pick berries. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. Or I used to. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Yes. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. What way would you not want it to be? Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. The LW may be overreacting. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Will you LWs simply never learn? Years later, theyve never recovered. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. LW, you are not being unreasonable! January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. ForeverYoung After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. Ive dealt with this type. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Summer and fall is half the year. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. 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